Cupid Singles Club

From one father to another, I want to share some thoughts with any single dads who are getting ready to start dating again. Balancing work, family, and time for oneself is always a challenge. Here are some ideas I have for making the most of it all.

1. Don’t lose sight of yourself

We all have responsibilities that demand our time and attention. Things that will not get done if we don’t make them happen. However, in the middle of this unalterable fact of life, there is another truism. You won’t be very good at these important roles if you don’t take care of yourself. I’ve talked about trying to cut wood with a dull saw. Keeping your saw sharp is the best strategy for being effective.

But there’s another reason to make room for your needs. You’ve got little eyes watching you. My 8-year-old recently asked, “Daddy, is it fun to be an adult?” I’m sure there are many days when I don’t make adulthood look like much fun. That’s not good for her, or me.

Sit down with a piece of paper and a pen, and make a list of the 5 things that define who you are outside of your job. If you’re a busy person with kids, I would be prepared to lose the bottom three things on that list, for a while. But the top two? You’ve got to fight for them. You’ve got to insist upon them. Because you don’t want your children getting to know a pale imitation of who you really are. They should know you — the real man.

If you are a person who loves to play music, for example, it would be sad to find yourself talking to your 10-year-old kid, saying, ‘You never saw me do it, but I used to play a lot of music. I loved it, but when you were born I just gave it up.’ Don’t cheat them of that experience. Don’t cheat yourself.

2. It’s great for kids to have caretakers — besides you!

Don’t feel guilty about getting help from different support systems, whether it’s relatives, neighbors, or hired help. Your kids will accept and incorporate these people into the circle of adults they love. There is some fiction out there that years ago the only people who raised children were their parents. In centuries past, the adults went to the fields to work and groups of older kids or senior people cared for the children in groups. Your kids will benefit from the diversity of culture, opinion, love-styles, and insights they get from your “village.” The point is to seek help and take the heat off yourself without guilt.

3. Be prepared to answer, “Do you see yourself having more kids?”

Whether you’re dating someone new or you’ve been seeing the same person for a while, any potential partners are going to be wondering if you are open to having more kids, and with them specifically. Whatever your answer may be, it’s very important to be upfront about what you want and where this relationship will really be going. And if you don’t know if you want any more children, its ok to be honest about that!

It is also fine to say, “I don’t know. Having children is a big deal obviously and it’s more about finding a person that I think would be a great parent with me, and partner for me. If I did find that person I would consider it.” The truth is that falling in love and believing the other person is the right partner are absolute prerequisites for having kids. Don’t put the cart before the horse.

4. Instill the moral compass in your children early

The only time you can talk to a 15-year-old is when she is 5. You’ve got to get in there early and teach that moral compass with an understanding of what is important. I can remember doing many “terrible” things as a kid — egging cars, TPing houses, blowing up mailboxes, and many other typical teen and pre-teen behavior. My parents punished us for these things, but the nuclear punishments came for lying and cheating. They would tell me, “You are going to make mistakes and we accept that, but we don’t tolerate lying or cheating.”

And of course, they lived those values. My dad owned a small pharmacy and was a successful business person. He used to tell me, “Anybody can be successful if they lie and cheat. The real accomplishment is to get what you want without resorting to that.” I never saw him break that rule.

They understood that instilling the foundation moral rules would guide our actions long after we stopped egging cars.

5. What I learned from my own father…

I have a great dad. I’ve had the good fortune to meet many successful people in my life, but my dad is the most successful man I know. He built a flourishing business. He is a beloved pillar in his community. He has a great marriage and two sons that look up to him. He showed us love in so many ways. He never hesitated to say, “I love you”, which is no small feat for men of his generation. But for my dad “love” is a verb. He built us an unbelievable treehouse, a stilt home, actually. He made stages for my rock bands. Constructed ramps so we could jump our bicycles. He had a lot going on but made the time to do fun projects with us that helped make fantastic memories.

My dad was big on persistence. On our refrigerator where I grew up we had a quote from Calvin Coolidge that begins, “Nothing is more important than persistence.” It’s famous, and the gist is “persistent people overcome obstacles.” I have tried to live this every day, and whatever success I have is based on this principle. He also told me once, “Grant, you may not be the fastest, or the smartest, or the biggest, but you can be the toughest. You just have to decide to do it.” That’s a restatement of the persistence principle, and something I hope to instill in my children.

The post From One Father to Another: 5 Tips for Single Dads appeared first on eharmony Advice.

This week, a man I work with made an admission. He told me that he is that “unavailable” guy that so many self-help books and articles are written about. That wasn’t so unique in itself, but what he said next was. He asked me, “How does a guy become more available?” He went on to explain that he knows that he has intimacy issues but he said that there was not a lot written about how men can get over these hurdles. He astutely noted that most of what is written is geared toward women, advising them to avoid types like him. This article is for him and the many men out there who share some of the same emotional challenges. So, how does a guy like this go about changing?

Be honest with yourself about how satisfying or harmonious your romantic relationships have been.

If you’re an emotionally unavailable guy, it means that your partners often feel frustrated and may even nag you, asking you to be more present or engage more emotionally. The main reason unavailable men should try to change is not even for the other person: it’s for themselves, too. Repeatedly hearing criticism about your personality is upsetting and probably annoying, and your unavailability becomes an ongoing source of conflict in your relationships. No one truly wants conflict or tension, so one reason to become more emotionally available is to reduce the drama in your personal life and have more peace. If you haven’t had that before, you might not even know how much more you’d like relationships if you didn’t always have to defend yourself or explain why you aren’t the partner your love interest wants.

Start disclosing your insecurities when they come up.

If you are emotionally unavailable, it means that you aren’t great at communicating and that you don’t like to “open up” or be vulnerable. The ability to be vulnerable and admit weaknesses or flaws is actually the sign of a truly strong person. What’s more, women appreciate a man who is real. When you feel nervous about something, say it; when you feel uncomfortable or feel like you are having a freak out or need more space — even when you know that’s a sign of your unavailability – say it. By sharing these feelings, you give the person you’re dating a chance to know you a little better. When you don’t feel like talking but she asks you to, say something like this: “I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry about the way it affects you and I’m working on it.”

Figure out how you got the way you are.

Are you emotionally unavailable because no parent ever taught you real emotional intimacy? Are you unavailable because you don’t trust women? Are you unavailable because you’re afraid of getting hurt? Deep down, we all have our issues, and you have a theory about why you are the way you are if you are really honest with yourself. What’s your reason? Understanding where the problem originated will help you solve the problem.

Come up with two or three simple behaviors you will start doing to become more present and engaged.

Don’t set a huge, blurry goal like, “I am going to be a better person” or “I am going to try harder.” Goals like these are never met because they are, well, too blurry. Make it clear and specific. Examples of simple goals you can set: I will start returning phone calls sooner, and when I am not interested in hanging out, I will say that directly (but nicely); I will tell a woman the exact behaviors I am now trying to implement to be a better guy and partner; I will call a woman on the phone more often instead of constantly texting; I will write a woman a card or note and tell her what I like most about her. Simple goals are ones that can be achieved.

The final message…

Don’t just change to keep a partner happy; change because you and whoever you are with both deserve better. Change because conflicts and disappointing your partners ultimately disappoints you, too. In the end, change because it’s the right thing to do.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post How the Emotionally Unavailable Man Can Become More Available appeared first on eharmony Advice.

This week, a man I work with made an admission. He told me that he is that “unavailable” guy that so many self-help books and articles are written about. That wasn’t so unique in itself, but what he said next was. He asked me, “How does a guy become more available?” He went on to explain that he knows that he has intimacy issues but he said that there was not a lot written about how men can get over these hurdles. He astutely noted that most of what is written is geared toward women, advising them to avoid types like him. This article is for him and the many men out there who share some of the same emotional challenges. So, how does a guy like this go about changing?

Be honest with yourself about how satisfying or harmonious your romantic relationships have been.

If you’re an emotionally unavailable guy, it means that your partners often feel frustrated and may even nag you, asking you to be more present or engage more emotionally. The main reason unavailable men should try to change is not even for the other person: it’s for themselves, too. Repeatedly hearing criticism about your personality is upsetting and probably annoying, and your unavailability becomes an ongoing source of conflict in your relationships. No one truly wants conflict or tension, so one reason to become more emotionally available is to reduce the drama in your personal life and have more peace. If you haven’t had that before, you might not even know how much more you’d like relationships if you didn’t always have to defend yourself or explain why you aren’t the partner your love interest wants.

Start disclosing your insecurities when they come up.

If you are emotionally unavailable, it means that you aren’t great at communicating and that you don’t like to “open up” or be vulnerable. The ability to be vulnerable and admit weaknesses or flaws is actually the sign of a truly strong person. What’s more, women appreciate a man who is real. When you feel nervous about something, say it; when you feel uncomfortable or feel like you are having a freak out or need more space — even when you know that’s a sign of your unavailability – say it. By sharing these feelings, you give the person you’re dating a chance to know you a little better. When you don’t feel like talking but she asks you to, say something like this: “I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry about the way it affects you and I’m working on it.”

Figure out how you got the way you are.

Are you emotionally unavailable because no parent ever taught you real emotional intimacy? Are you unavailable because you don’t trust women? Are you unavailable because you’re afraid of getting hurt? Deep down, we all have our issues, and you have a theory about why you are the way you are if you are really honest with yourself. What’s your reason? Understanding where the problem originated will help you solve the problem.

Come up with two or three simple behaviors you will start doing to become more present and engaged.

Don’t set a huge, blurry goal like, “I am going to be a better person” or “I am going to try harder.” Goals like these are never met because they are, well, too blurry. Make it clear and specific. Examples of simple goals you can set: I will start returning phone calls sooner, and when I am not interested in hanging out, I will say that directly (but nicely); I will tell a woman the exact behaviors I am now trying to implement to be a better guy and partner; I will call a woman on the phone more often instead of constantly texting; I will write a woman a card or note and tell her what I like most about her. Simple goals are ones that can be achieved.

The final message…

Don’t just change to keep a partner happy; change because you and whoever you are with both deserve better. Change because conflicts and disappointing your partners ultimately disappoints you, too. In the end, change because it’s the right thing to do.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post How the Emotionally Unavailable Man Can Become More Available appeared first on eharmony Advice.

Social media today isn’t what it was, say, 10 years ago. In the past, there was still a large group of adults who didn’t participate in social media platforms. Today, put simply, they do. According to recent Pew Data, as many as 88 percent of American adults between the ages of 18 and 29 are on social media. Jargon intended: That’s, like, a lot of people. Social media has become an unavoidable part of our social lives. It has become an integral vehicle for communication between people and a platform for self-presentation, and it is probably never going away.

In terms of how social media impacts dating relationships, I can report anecdotally from my clinical work that it often causes stress and anxiety. Specifically, some men and women report that they sometimes feel worse or more anxious after seeing something on their date’s or ex-dates postings. I once appeared on a television show to discuss what I called “Facebook Stalking,” and this was at a time when Facebook was used more actively by young adults. “Facebook Stalking” or, come to think of it, “eHarmony Checking” are obviously not clinical terms but you understand the larger issue: sometimes your checking behavior is a bit of a problem. The good news is that problems can often be solved.

Take a look at a few signs that your behavior – checking your date’s social media platforms – has gotten too extreme.

You often feel anxious, bothered or upset by something you’ve seen on social media.

If you are constantly checking your date’s social media, you probably feel stressed sometimes as a result of something you’ve seen or read. If you check a lot, you may feel stressed out frequently, even a few times per day. There is nothing wrong with social media. It’s like anything; moderation is usually the best approach. You shouldn’t routinely do things in your life that create frequent or intense anxiety, so the goal is to give yourself some limits when it comes to checking up on your date. Perhaps tell yourself to check no more than once or twice each day; maybe take a break for a couple days if you’re checking all the time.

You spend a lot of time during a given period talking to your friends about what he or she was doing or saying on social media.

If what he or she was doing on social media is an intense or frequent subject, your checking his or her social media has probably gotten too extreme. Your friends aren’t paid therapists, so don’t make them work too hard. When any of us start indulging too many of our issues and draining our friends as a result, we need to take a step back and reduce social media checking for a minute.

The real problem is actually about trust and self-esteem.

If you have decent self-esteem and don’t have major trust issues, you are probably not going to need to compulsively check your date’s or ex-date’s social media platforms. You check compulsively because you feel anxious or afraid about the status of that person’s feelings for you. In such times, you wonder any of the following possibilities: Am I being cheated on? Is he interested in someone else? Is she still “into” me? Who is she spending time with now? Does he look happier than me? Of course, the list is endless. The key is to remember that social media isn’t the problem; it’s the combination of trust issues and low self-esteem that cause dysfunctional social media checking. Answer these questions now: Do you trust that you are lovable enough that this person will probably want to continue to be with you in the future? Do you trust that this person will be faithful to you?

The solution to some problems starts with the simple art of reflection.

The mere act of thinking about your behavior sets you on a positive spiral toward change. Think about it in a critical way – not mean-critical but constructive-critical – so that you can fix the problem. Protect your feelings and your mood. Don’t do things that make you feel worse. Finally, use this motto I share with my clients: I don’t put myself in a dependent position where my self-esteem depends entirely on any one person’s feelings about me.

About the Author:

Dr. Seth is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

The post Signs You’re ‘Social Media Stalking’ Your Dates appeared first on eharmony Advice.

Recently I asked friends on Facebook and Twitter for dating advice they’ve heard given to women that likely wouldn’t be given to men. As I read through comments about safety (bring mace, schedule a safety call, send a picture of him and your location to someone you trust), and finding ways you manipulate your date’s image of you (don’t order a burger so he doesn’t think you’re fat, be mysterious, don’t act too smart, laugh at all of his jokes) I’m reminded of why so many women don’t find dating very fun.

I’ve often lamented to girlfriends that it seems like when men are ready for a relationship they just jump into one as if it were an open cab they didn’t even have to hail. But for women, it seems like they are often waiting on the sidewalk trying to flag down a car forever. I began to wonder if at least part of this difference comes in what we say to women about dating versus what we say to men.

Let’s start with safety. This is a real concern, of course, not to be taken lightly, but most of us have internalized much of this already. We know that we should meet new people in public places, that we should get ourselves there, that we should let someone know where we’re going. It’s awfully hard to even think about enjoying meeting someone new when we’re looking into their face trying to discern whether they are a serial killer. What if you relaxed, just for a moment, and reminded yourself that it is statistically unlikely that you will be attacked in a well-lit cafe? It might be easier to figure out if you even like your date, or if you’re having a good time.

All this image stuff? Sure, you want to put your best foot forward, who doesn’t? You’ll probably wear something you like and maybe do something a little special with your hair—but I hate the thought of you sitting there wondering what you should eat because of how it will make you look to your date. Rare are the men who will judge you based on your order, whether salad or burger, and I’m guessing you don’t want anything to do with those guys. Find something on the menu you’d like to eat and order it. I can tell you that’s what your date will be doing.

My heart aches for women who feel that they have to dumb themselves down (because men don’t like smart women) or make themselves appear weak (because men don’t like strong women). Who are these men? I’m sure they exist, of course, stereotypes exist for a reason, but do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t like smart, strong you? Here, there is a counterpoint—many men are told to avoid emotions because it might make them appear weak. While some women might not want their men to be emotional, most of us welcome emotions and sensitivity.

Just take a minute and think back over your life, what dating advice has become part of the tapes playing in your head? Is it time to clean those out, to admit that they don’t serve you? Is it time to forget about some of those well-meaning platitudes? While Cosmo and your aunt, and that person at your office party might disagree, there is no way of being that will attract anyone. Should you meet someone while contorting yourself into being someone else, they’ll eventually notice. It’s hard to stop performing, especially after doing it for so long, but you’ll be giving someone a chance to get to know who you really are sooner. You might not be perfect, but you’re lovely, just the way you are.

Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.

The post Dating Advice We Give to Women We’d Never Give to Men appeared first on eharmony Advice.

You tell yourself that dating is no big deal. Yet it’s still natural to get stressed out about it from time to time.

Dating anxiety is actually a good thing! It’s a sign that we care so much about finding a partner that we let ourselves get wound up. Of course, you don’t want to get so overwhelmed by anxiety that you feel immobilized to answer your emails or stop texting and meet for a drink already. But that tingle of anticipation can be healthy anxiety that propels us outside our comfort zone. “Some of the symptoms associated with anxiety, such as a slightly jittery feeling or butterflies in your stomach, can be nervous excitement,” explains Chloe Carmichael, a New York City psychotherapist and anxiety expert. She’s also the author of “Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.”

On the other hand, Carmichael recognizes that anxiety usually is trying to tell us something. “Be willing to listen it, so you know how to address it,” she says. Here are her tips on how to handle common worries:

1) You’re worried no one will like you

Even people with generally good self-esteem are all too skilled in breaking out a quick list of what they think makes them unattractive: Too fat. Too thin. Too young. Too old. Too poor. It doesn’t take long before you’ve leapt to the incorrect conclusion that these perceived faults make you unattractive.

“The good news is that this thinking is totally irrational,” says Carmichael. “All you have to do is stand out in front of City Hall, and you’ll quickly see that people of all sizes and ages get married every day.”

The other good news: You just need to find one person who delights in you. As adults, we realize we don’t need to be popular with everyone. One strategy offering proof of your delightfulness is to plan several first dates so that your dating pipeline is always full. When you have lots of people who want to meet you, it’s harder to get attached to the outcome of one date (or get caught up imagining that one person doesn’t like you, which probably isn’t the case anyway).

Finally, ask yourself if you’re using this limiting belief as an excuse not to put yourself out there. “Otherwise, you’d have to risk the ups and downs of dating like everyone else,” she says.

2) You’re worried your date will judge you

The sequel to thinking that your dates won’t like you from the start is believing they won’t like you after they get to know you. This false belief assumes the other person will lose interest as soon as you reveal a certain detail or part of your past. Maybe you’re ashamed of how you handled a past breakup or wish you were in a different place in your career.

Carmichael suggests practicing how you tell your story by creating a script and engaging in a role play with a friend to build up your confidence. “You want to be comfortable sharing it and putting in personal boundaries by not having to share every single detail,” she says. (A sample: “I really appreciate your interest. And I’m happy to share more in the future.”) A key message is to stress what you learned from the past experience or what you’re working on changing in the present. For example, if you’re worried about revealing you’re in between jobs, it’s helpful to add that you’re actively talking to recruiters or setting up interviews.

3) You’re worried that you’re not ready to date

It doesn’t matter if you’re newly divorced or haven’t been on a date since the Seinfeld television finale. Carmichael’s cure: Go on a date to change your pattern. Even just a low-pressure coffee date.

You can help overcome your initial fears by picking out a few outfits that you feel comfortable in. She even recommends having a stylist (or the clerk at Banana Republic) help you out.

Also, you can break through your resistance by taking small steps: Setting up a profile. Taking flattering photos. Responding to a few emails. Asking friends for feedback. “When you feel nervous, being proactive helps you feel more motivated,” she says. “You’re doing all the right things to prepare yourself to meet someone great.”

About the Author:

Sarah Elizabeth Richards is a journalist and the author of Motherhood, Rescheduled: The New Frontier of Egg Freezing and the Women Who Tried It. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Marie Claire, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Slate, and Salon.

The post Got Dating Anxiety? So Do Most of Us appeared first on eharmony Advice.

The beginning of online messaging with someone new can be incredibly exciting and fun. You may wonder who is behind the computer or phone, and if you will actually meet this person in real life. You may read into the messaging exchange as you look for signals of interest, chemistry, and connection. You may feel antsy or anxious as you read into the little things, such as your match’s use of emoji’s and punctuation, or if you pick up on changes in communication, response time or reply length.

While messaging may be fun and the attention is appealing, it’s important to remember that online messaging or texting is not the same as dating. Taking the conversation offline is a major step in cultivating a meaningful relationship and determining if you have a real connection. Texting or messaging alone is not enough. Over time, messaging without meeting can do more harm than good by creating unrealistic expectations, fantasies, and a false sense of connection with your match, who at this point is still a stranger.

How can you be sure you aren’t wasting your time messaging with someone who has no intention of meeting or seriously dating you? Here are eight signs you are stuck in the messaging phase with no end in sight — and it may be time to move on:

1. You are doing all the work to keep the conversation going. The getting to know you process is a two-way street. If you are the one who is driving the direction of the messaging and your match is not asking you any questions about yourself, it’s likely your match isn’t genuinely interested in getting to know you. Analyzing the reasons why and giving yourself a hard time about this is not worth your energy. Move forward with matches who are willing to engage and put the work into their dating lives.

2. You are receiving very brief replies. Replies exhibiting little thought and minimal word count obviously make it hard to ignite a connection. Receiving one word answers or replies lacking personality, enthusiasm, and effort is not conducive to getting to know someone and determining if a first date is worth it. First, do your best to engage your match by asking more open-ended questions. If your match is simply doing the bare minimum in your messaging exchange, it may be time to move on.

3. Your match’s response time gets longer and longer. A change in response time is a concrete sign that interest may be dwindling and your match is bound to disappear (or come in and out of your life with no serious intention of getting to know you). Life is busy and it’s healthy to not be glued to your phones or computers all day, but putting in some effort to keep a conversation going is essential. Try not to freak out if it takes your match a couple of hours or a bit longer to respond, but if it suddenly takes days or weeks to hear back, your online relationship is going nowhere.

4. Your match avoids asking you out, or doesn’t answer you directly when you bring up meeting. As I’ve mentioned in my previous article on how to determine when to meet in real life, people have different preferences and comfort levels when it comes to the timing of a first date, but it does help to meet sooner than later. If communication goes on and on for weeks without any mention of a date or you are ignored when you bring up meeting, your match probably has no goal of actually taking things offline. Side note: If you ask for a date early on in messaging and your match says something to the effect of wanting a longer conversation online or a scheduled phone call first, this is okay. Most likely these are signs that your match needs a bit more to feel comfortable meeting. This situation is different from a match who completely ignores your question, cancels and reschedules on you a couple of times or avoids meeting you in another indirect form.

5. Your messaging lacks chemistry. If your messaging exchange doesn’t take off and there is no banter, flirting, playfulness or fun, it’s likely your match isn’t putting in the time or energy to develop rapport with you. Receiving robotic replies or messages that feel scripted or forced may mean your match simply isn’t available to connect emotionally. Look for signs that your messages are progressing in depth and consist of flirty and engaging language that sparks chemistry.

6. The conversation is purely sexual in nature. Compliments are okay, but if messaging is a constant stream of sexual innuendo or pick-up lines, it’s important to believe your match is looking for something along the lines of sexting or causal sex. If this is not what you are about, it’s time to exit the conversation. Often the attention and interest is appealing and it can be challenging to walk away from, but keep your eyes on your relationship goals and know you are deserving of what you want. Hint: Build an emotional connection in person prior to having sex and then let real sex happen before simply sexting with someone you don’t know.

7. Your match is always busy. Having time to message you constantly, but not to meet you face-to-face is a red flag and another indication that things are going nowhere. This is also a bad sign if you’ve been on a first date and hear from your match post-date over an extended period of time with no acknowledgement of a second date or excuses about being too busy.

8. Your match fits the profile of an online dating scammer. As much as I hate adding this sign, it’s an important safety check and online dating tip. If your match asks for money or favors before meeting you, comes off in crisis mode, sells you a dramatic story or immediately tries to get your contact information, please take note and be smart! Other signs include someone saying they are working abroad and need money to meet you, giving rambling detailed stories or asking invasive questions.

By knowing the common signs that you are being strung along or someone simply likes flirting with you online, you can make intentional choices about pacing, timing of meeting and which matches to pursue and who to let go of for your own benefit. Remember to put your goal of a loving relationship over your need for attention or a confidence boost to ensure you are not wasting your precious time messaging someone who can’t offer you what you are ultimately looking for.

About the Author:

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://www.datingadvice.com/ and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!

The post 8 Signs You are Being Strung Along Online appeared first on eharmony Advice.

The beginning of online messaging with someone new can be incredibly exciting and fun. You may wonder who is behind the computer or phone, and if you will actually meet this person in real life. You may read into the messaging exchange as you look for signals of interest, chemistry, and connection. You may feel antsy or anxious as you read into the little things, such as your match’s use of emoji’s and punctuation, or if you pick up on changes in communication, response time or reply length.

While messaging may be fun and the attention is appealing, it’s important to remember that online messaging or texting is not the same as dating. Taking the conversation offline is a major step in cultivating a meaningful relationship and determining if you have a real connection. Texting or messaging alone is not enough. Over time, messaging without meeting can do more harm than good by creating unrealistic expectations, fantasies, and a false sense of connection with your match, who at this point is still a stranger.

How can you be sure you aren’t wasting your time messaging with someone who has no intention of meeting or seriously dating you? Here are eight signs you are stuck in the messaging phase with no end in sight — and it may be time to move on:

1. You are doing all the work to keep the conversation going. The getting to know you process is a two-way street. If you are the one who is driving the direction of the messaging and your match is not asking you any questions about yourself, it’s likely your match isn’t genuinely interested in getting to know you. Analyzing the reasons why and giving yourself a hard time about this is not worth your energy. Move forward with matches who are willing to engage and put the work into their dating lives.

2. You are receiving very brief replies. Replies exhibiting little thought and minimal word count obviously make it hard to ignite a connection. Receiving one word answers or replies lacking personality, enthusiasm, and effort is not conducive to getting to know someone and determining if a first date is worth it. First, do your best to engage your match by asking more open-ended questions. If your match is simply doing the bare minimum in your messaging exchange, it may be time to move on.

3. Your match’s response time gets longer and longer. A change in response time is a concrete sign that interest may be dwindling and your match is bound to disappear (or come in and out of your life with no serious intention of getting to know you). Life is busy and it’s healthy to not be glued to your phones or computers all day, but putting in some effort to keep a conversation going is essential. Try not to freak out if it takes your match a couple of hours or a bit longer to respond, but if it suddenly takes days or weeks to hear back, your online relationship is going nowhere.

4. Your match avoids asking you out, or doesn’t answer you directly when you bring up meeting. As I’ve mentioned in my previous article on how to determine when to meet in real life, people have different preferences and comfort levels when it comes to the timing of a first date, but it does help to meet sooner than later. If communication goes on and on for weeks without any mention of a date or you are ignored when you bring up meeting, your match probably has no goal of actually taking things offline. Side note: If you ask for a date early on in messaging and your match says something to the effect of wanting a longer conversation online or a scheduled phone call first, this is okay. Most likely these are signs that your match needs a bit more to feel comfortable meeting. This situation is different from a match who completely ignores your question, cancels and reschedules on you a couple of times or avoids meeting you in another indirect form.

5. Your messaging lacks chemistry. If your messaging exchange doesn’t take off and there is no banter, flirting, playfulness or fun, it’s likely your match isn’t putting in the time or energy to develop rapport with you. Receiving robotic replies or messages that feel scripted or forced may mean your match simply isn’t available to connect emotionally. Look for signs that your messages are progressing in depth and consist of flirty and engaging language that sparks chemistry.

6. The conversation is purely sexual in nature. Compliments are okay, but if messaging is a constant stream of sexual innuendo or pick-up lines, it’s important to believe your match is looking for something along the lines of sexting or causal sex. If this is not what you are about, it’s time to exit the conversation. Often the attention and interest is appealing and it can be challenging to walk away from, but keep your eyes on your relationship goals and know you are deserving of what you want. Hint: Build an emotional connection in person prior to having sex and then let real sex happen before simply sexting with someone you don’t know.

7. Your match is always busy. Having time to message you constantly, but not to meet you face-to-face is a red flag and another indication that things are going nowhere. This is also a bad sign if you’ve been on a first date and hear from your match post-date over an extended period of time with no acknowledgement of a second date or excuses about being too busy.

8. Your match fits the profile of an online dating scammer. As much as I hate adding this sign, it’s an important safety check and online dating tip. If your match asks for money or favors before meeting you, comes off in crisis mode, sells you a dramatic story or immediately tries to get your contact information, please take note and be smart! Other signs include someone saying they are working abroad and need money to meet you, giving rambling detailed stories or asking invasive questions.

By knowing the common signs that you are being strung along or someone simply likes flirting with you online, you can make intentional choices about pacing, timing of meeting and which matches to pursue and who to let go of for your own benefit. Remember to put your goal of a loving relationship over your need for attention or a confidence boost to ensure you are not wasting your precious time messaging someone who can’t offer you what you are ultimately looking for.

About the Author:

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://www.datingadvice.com/ and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!

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The more time I’ve spent around men, the more I’ve noticed a common thread—many of them are worried about being judged by the women they want to date. This isn’t new territory for most women—I’ve been a part of more date analysis sessions than I care to count, wondering just why that guy isn’t calling back. But I think that while men might worry about some of these things, they don’t always talk about it like I do with my girlfriends. To relieve some of that anxiety, I teamed up with some women I know to dispel the idea that prospective dates are looking for an excuse to write them off.

Cars

Who hasn’t seen a picture of a vehicle in a dating profile, often by itself? Slightly more subtle is the selfie from inside the car, which might be a quick attempt to put something up, or a statement about vehicle ownership.

I have news for you guys—I talked with many women about this and none of them care what your car looks like. Sure, it’s nice if it’s clean inside and runs, but as long as it gets us where we need to go, we aren’t going to judge you based on it. Swap out the picture of your mustang for one that shows us a nice smile.

In fact, this category can easily extend to other types of possessions, including how big your paycheck is. You don’t have to have the nicest apartment or house, it’s okay if you’re not wearing brand names, your TV doesn’t have to be giant. Stuff isn’t the be-all, end-all for many women, they are more interested in who you are, rather than what you have.

Strength and “Manliness”

This is one way that traditional male and female roles have really messed us up. Most women want a man who is capable of reflecting on his feelings and doesn’t mind showing his sensitive side.

The women I talked to didn’t care if a guy could catch a big fish, be the best at sports, or how much they could bench press. Their muscles weren’t the defining feature of what they were looking for in a man.

If a guy enjoys sports, or going to the gym, or any other stereotypically “manly” pursuits, more power to him, but it isn’t going to be a deal-breaker if he doesn’t.

You might actually unwittingly turn off a potential date, one friend of mine said that she doesn’t like it when a man drives in a risky way, or acts aggressively in an attempt to “protect” her. It doesn’t make her feel safe, only that he might be volatile.

Appearance

One of the first things people mentioned when I asked what guys thought women judged them on was hair. Do I have enough? Is it a good color? Do I have too much or is it in the wrong place?

Every woman is attracted to different things, of course. It’s impossible to say that all women like beards or bald heads, but the truth is, most of the women I talked to were more interested in getting to know who people are than writing them off based on appearance alone. Obviously you want to look your best, but don’t assume that you’re not okay the way you are.

(It’s worth noting here that many of my friends mentioned penis size here—spoiler alert, most women aren’t judging you on that).

Here are a few words from my friends on what they do look for in a man:

“I’d love to have a man say, “I’ve never tried this before! Let’s try a sport together!” than show off. Oh, and being funny? Not important to me. I’m funny. As long as you have a sense of humor at all so we can laugh together, that’s what matters. We don’t have to be laughing at *your* clever jokes—that’s why comedians exist.”

“Looks are far less important than a man’s genuine kind demeanor, sense of humor, and humble attitude. Physical attraction and chemistry is created when a good personality and mutual interests combine with sex appeal.”

“It’s the willingness to see their own mistakes and then being willing to start again that is very attractive.”

“It’s nice if they have a steady job that pay the bills. Far more valuable, though, are men who do their share around the house and really spend time with their wife and children.”

“I have no evolutionary instinct that tells me to be with a strong or tough guy. At all. I just want someone who treats other people well and is nice to me.”

So take a sigh of relief guys, it’s probably not nearly as bad as you think. Just be yourself, honestly. Someone is going to love that.

Cara Strickland writes about food and drink, mental health, faith and being single from her home in the Pacific Northwest. She enjoys hot tea, good wine, and deep conversations. She will always want to play with your dog. Connect with her on Twitter @anxiouscook.

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